I'm not so fucking soft-hearted I'm thinking of just ... forgiving and forgetting. Made me look like a godsdamned fool, made it so White will certainly never look me in the eye again, and made it so- ... Well it made certain conversations with certain people who might not be able to have conversation this week because of bad ears very difficult. Something was stolen from me.
I don't know? I'd make her buy me drinks for a month if you had to pay any gold for them, or curse her so she has to wear a sweater for a week or something. But I don't have any good curses and I'm too tired to plan anything intricate.
[Just. Sighing out, putting his face in his hands for a second. And then he sits back up.]
It's Yuel. She didn't mean any harm. Probably punishment enough to have to live with me knowing and getting to act smugly about knowing. [...] I just. Don't like the idea of feeling something that isn't mine. I want to be in charge of my own damned feelings.
[Oh, good. She didn't really want to do anything to hurt Yuel.]
You don't have to tell me. [She sighs, walks over to come and sit near him.] A particularly nasty one, in my opinion. You are justified in feeling wronged, and angry. Whatever she intended doesn't change that certain transgressions demand a response.
But. . . I expected her to have carelessly done it as a joke, but it wasn't even that. She seemed to think it would be a nice effect to have, and then waking up from it would be like waking up with a hangover, nothing more.
Talk to her, is what I suggest. I had to deploy somewhat drastic measures to get the information from her. That I got her to tell me and then told you right away will likely be suitable, in terms of a response.
Well it's a terrible effect to have. You have to care about who texts you, and if he's off talking to some other boy. Who gives a flying shit about any of that? I will say it is a bit like waking up with a hangover. Just one where you've woken up and really lost your trousers somewhere.
[She groans a little, which sort of undoes the effect of how serious she's being.]
What a misstep it was, that detail about Mineo. Ridiculous to think that would have helped. I simply didn't expect that demanding the two of you avoid one another would work, because why by the rock did either of you think I had any say in it?
You said it was important! You were very clear on the importance! If you pull that card, I'm going to try and listen at least, even if I'm cursed with feelings or whatever.
I suppose you saved him from the best lay he's ever likely to get in his life, but maybe that's for the best. Sex mistakes would have made the "hangover" worse I suppose. Though I don't know if he'd have managed regardless, I terrify the absolute pants off of him whether he's cursed or not.
[Just giving him an ugh look, but. Okay. TMI aside, she is sort of relieved by that.]
It's definitely for the best. What a mess. [. . .] I only thought that. . . there was more potential for damage in a few different ways, the more time you spent together. It wasn't just "sex mistakes."
For the record, I'm glad you listened. It just surprised me.
Don't pout. I'm new to all of this. Having friends business.
[Like. It was like two weeks ago that he had to explain to her she could just ask White not to spread her personal stuff around instead of threaten to kill him?]
I spent some time thinking of the appropriate approach. On the one hand, I know you did not intend anything malicious, and your intercession at trial was precisely what I had been hoping our arrangement would allow for. On the other hand. . . [Her eyes glitter a little in that malicious way she has sometimes.]
No, I cannot simply forgive the transgression. Unburdened by kindness, I am free to punish you in an appropriately nasty way. And it struck me that this is the exact circumstance the type of drastic measures I began to put into practice last week were created for.
[look, all today has been harrow bringing him gifts of knowing who curse culprits are and calling him 'a friend' outloud, he suspects strongly that he is being fucked with at least a little right now, but also as a friend he would like to give harrow this little show of being Very Scary so he acts appropriately
also he does actually think she kind of deserves to rip into him for it? he fucked up. he put her in danger. whatever she thinks is fair probably is.]
[Anyway. Drastic measures. Looking him directly in the eye, deadly seriously.]
There have been a fair few people I have known who would have done whatever Lady Nonagesimus asked of them - even go to their graves. And I have asked, and they have done.
I have never asked as Harrowhark. I have never had any reason to believe anyone would care what becomes of Harrowhark. And I told you that, when I asked. To ask is not a trifling thing to me, and you knew that, and you still did not treat it with the seriousness I demanded. Oh, you made your oath, when you felt I needed to hear it. But you did not take the time to give sufficient thought to the meaning of your words, or else you would have spotted the flaw. And that is unacceptable.
[She thinks she deserves to rip into him, too! And that's why he's getting the absolute worst punishment she can think of - being told very sincerely that it hurt her feelings.]
[it really is the worst punishment possible! he feels, uh, bad.
there's about a thousand things he could say in response, ranging from the simpering (`I did it because the only thing I could think of in that moment was how best to protect you`) to the deprecating humor (`you've seen my memories, you should be well aware that jumping in without thinking through consequences such as a glaive through my chest is not my strong suite`) the bitterly defensive (`you didn't notice either and you're supposed to be the smart one here`)
but none of those really feel appropriate. she'd said it all really. it was unacceptable. disappointing. he at least has the decency to look very very ashamed.]
... You're right. I'm sorry. I should have done better by you.
It did work, though. It wouldn't work on a more drastic curse, I need to retain a degree of boundaries to avoid manipulation, but on something like this it was effective.
[She continues patting him, thoughtful.]
Every time someone tried to tell me that I was remembering it wrong, it only became worse. The curse made me believe our conversation on Sunday had been fairly benign, and I'd overreacted in assuming she would kill someone. Which is. . . not not something I would do. I just became more and more aware how little my actions had made sense in light of what I remembered, but I put the discrepancy down to the actions themselves being irrational, not the memories.
Just knowing that I needed to, as a general matter, act from the understanding that my thinking was impaired was a better solution.
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Then again, a week of being out of my mind in exchange for one punch seems like it's getting off easy, doesn't it?
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[You are pretty soft hearted, though.]
I told her as much myself. So I'll reiterate, what would you like to do? Shall we find a way to punish her?
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I don't know? I'd make her buy me drinks for a month if you had to pay any gold for them, or curse her so she has to wear a sweater for a week or something. But I don't have any good curses and I'm too tired to plan anything intricate.
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[She's just a little. . . so it did hurt him, then. Of course it did, but he's acting like a person who feels very hurt.]
If you're tired, don't dwell on it. I will come up with some options.
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[Just. Sighing out, putting his face in his hands for a second. And then he sits back up.]
It's Yuel. She didn't mean any harm. Probably punishment enough to have to live with me knowing and getting to act smugly about knowing. [...] I just. Don't like the idea of feeling something that isn't mine. I want to be in charge of my own damned feelings.
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You don't have to tell me. [She sighs, walks over to come and sit near him.] A particularly nasty one, in my opinion. You are justified in feeling wronged, and angry. Whatever she intended doesn't change that certain transgressions demand a response.
But. . . I expected her to have carelessly done it as a joke, but it wasn't even that. She seemed to think it would be a nice effect to have, and then waking up from it would be like waking up with a hangover, nothing more.
Talk to her, is what I suggest. I had to deploy somewhat drastic measures to get the information from her. That I got her to tell me and then told you right away will likely be suitable, in terms of a response.
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[Huffing a bit of a laugh.]
Yeah yeah. I'll talk to her. Fine.
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What a misstep it was, that detail about Mineo. Ridiculous to think that would have helped. I simply didn't expect that demanding the two of you avoid one another would work, because why by the rock did either of you think I had any say in it?
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I suppose you saved him from the best lay he's ever likely to get in his life, but maybe that's for the best. Sex mistakes would have made the "hangover" worse I suppose. Though I don't know if he'd have managed regardless, I terrify the absolute pants off of him whether he's cursed or not.
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It's definitely for the best. What a mess. [. . .] I only thought that. . . there was more potential for damage in a few different ways, the more time you spent together. It wasn't just "sex mistakes."
For the record, I'm glad you listened. It just surprised me.
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[he does't seem offended just. she can't be that shocked he'd just listen if she pulled a card like "IT'S IMPORTANT."]
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[Hmm.]
Don't pout. I'm new to all of this. Having friends business.
[Like. It was like two weeks ago that he had to explain to her she could just ask White not to spread her personal stuff around instead of threaten to kill him?]
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I'm not pouting! If I were entering a full-on sulk, you'd know it. It's what I was trying to do earlier.
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I know. Don't think I've forgotten. Priorities.
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[...]
Well go on then.
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No, I cannot simply forgive the transgression. Unburdened by kindness, I am free to punish you in an appropriately nasty way. And it struck me that this is the exact circumstance the type of drastic measures I began to put into practice last week were created for.
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also he does actually think she kind of deserves to rip into him for it? he fucked up. he put her in danger. whatever she thinks is fair probably is.]
You're toying with your prey now, Harrowhark.
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[Anyway. Drastic measures. Looking him directly in the eye, deadly seriously.]
There have been a fair few people I have known who would have done whatever Lady Nonagesimus asked of them - even go to their graves. And I have asked, and they have done.
I have never asked as Harrowhark. I have never had any reason to believe anyone would care what becomes of Harrowhark. And I told you that, when I asked. To ask is not a trifling thing to me, and you knew that, and you still did not treat it with the seriousness I demanded. Oh, you made your oath, when you felt I needed to hear it. But you did not take the time to give sufficient thought to the meaning of your words, or else you would have spotted the flaw. And that is unacceptable.
[She thinks she deserves to rip into him, too! And that's why he's getting the absolute worst punishment she can think of - being told very sincerely that it hurt her feelings.]
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there's about a thousand things he could say in response, ranging from the simpering (`I did it because the only thing I could think of in that moment was how best to protect you`) to the deprecating humor (`you've seen my memories, you should be well aware that jumping in without thinking through consequences such as a glaive through my chest is not my strong suite`) the bitterly defensive (`you didn't notice either and you're supposed to be the smart one here`)
but none of those really feel appropriate. she'd said it all really. it was unacceptable. disappointing. he at least has the decency to look very very ashamed.]
... You're right. I'm sorry. I should have done better by you.
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[. . . Reaching out and awkwardly patting him on the back.]
Don't look so glum about it. I do bear some responsibility too, as I'm much smarter than you are.
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[pat patted. he still looks a bit glum.]
No one's ever made me swear an oath before. I got too overexcited!
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[She continues patting him, thoughtful.]
Every time someone tried to tell me that I was remembering it wrong, it only became worse. The curse made me believe our conversation on Sunday had been fairly benign, and I'd overreacted in assuming she would kill someone. Which is. . . not not something I would do. I just became more and more aware how little my actions had made sense in light of what I remembered, but I put the discrepancy down to the actions themselves being irrational, not the memories.
Just knowing that I needed to, as a general matter, act from the understanding that my thinking was impaired was a better solution.
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