[He'll wander over and sit next to him, quiet - he's fiddling with something in his hand. It's just the stupid meme wedding ring, but. Y'know. It was sort of fun to match with his friend?]
[That's sweet. He actually smiles a bit at that. Flipping the stupid meme wedding ring and then catching it in his hand again.]
He kept bringing me tea, until he found out I didn't care much for tea, and then switched to alcohol. Every time we talked. Bit ridiculous. I would have drank the tea.
No, I don't know what a ronin is. I know he felt he would likely have to give his life to atone for something.
[And that is depressing.]
. . . That first time, when she let us vote for her, we had a pretty good conversation. She's another one - she talked about knowing she needed to die if she was to redeem herself. I told her I wanted for her, to find a different way. I said the same thing to him at some point, come to think of it.
[He slides a hand under Caleb's arm, holding a little tighter.]
It isn't-- There's no redemption in it. Think that's a load of horseshit in the first place. But aside from that, I don't know that it's dying here. Dying is your soul going through the Divine Gate. Moving on from this fucking place. Going back.
Here you ... You just wake up some place else, just far away enough away for it to feel like close enough. It's not death.
[Aren't the gods indifferent? At least to that sort of thing.]
Can feel whatever you like to feel about it, but I wouldn't ... use it to torture yourself more. Got enough weapons to do that to yourself with. Me, I'm sick of people leaving, mostly. Sick of having to play a game of concession to it.
[ He goes to take his hand at this point, squeezing it a little. ]
If you're asking me, the heartless person wouldn't question it. Don't think there's such a thing as too late, until you're actually beyond that gate. Body rotting in a grave somewhere.
I admit to it, but you have not seen me use any of my higher level spells.
. . . I went to school because I found it fascinating, and incredible, and I loved it. And then I was taught to see it as a weapon, to see myself as a weapon. When I remember I still have love for it, I want to share that with everyone.
Yeah, I know. Going to have to do a performance when we get home.
[He huffs an amused noise, but there's a little tinge of That's the Thing I'm Sensitive About to it. He's missed a lot. But it's not really important at the moment.]
So this whole charade probably isn't helping any of that, is it?
I have a lot to show you. You will like the tower, I think. [He's just excited to show him the things he missed.]
. . . Uhm, well. I don't have so much magic here. So it is less the thing where I feel like a powerful weapon, and more - how it was when we first met. I don't like going back to feeling weak.
[Also that school is bad and not good. At least this school. It is probably not even accredited.]
Not the first time I've heard this from-- fuck, most everyone I talk to here at all. But that's what this place is trying to do, isn't it? Make everyone feel as if there's nothing to do but go along with it.
S'bullshit though. [He just presses a little bit closer.] Just about the strongest-willed person I know. [A half-smile.] Rita might have you beat by a nose.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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... Hey.
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[He seems very blank, honestly. Not sure what to do or say.]
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. . . I liked that she always . . . made everyone there feel a little bit cared for and protected. I was a bit envious, how easily she could do that.
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He kept bringing me tea, until he found out I didn't care much for tea, and then switched to alcohol. Every time we talked. Bit ridiculous. I would have drank the tea.
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There was a lot he kept below the surface, that one. But very good to talk to.
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[...]
And Manwol was the first person I ever told here that I was dead. Told-- Told her that before I admitted it to you, actually.
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[And that is depressing.]
. . . That first time, when she let us vote for her, we had a pretty good conversation. She's another one - she talked about knowing she needed to die if she was to redeem herself. I told her I wanted for her, to find a different way. I said the same thing to him at some point, come to think of it.
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It isn't-- There's no redemption in it. Think that's a load of horseshit in the first place. But aside from that, I don't know that it's dying here. Dying is your soul going through the Divine Gate. Moving on from this fucking place. Going back.
Here you ... You just wake up some place else, just far away enough away for it to feel like close enough. It's not death.
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[Aren't the gods indifferent? At least to that sort of thing.]
Can feel whatever you like to feel about it, but I wouldn't ... use it to torture yourself more. Got enough weapons to do that to yourself with. Me, I'm sick of people leaving, mostly. Sick of having to play a game of concession to it.
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[And I'm not indifferent. But he shrugs, conceding he has a point about the self-torture.]
It bothers me sometimes. I want to be a person. I don't want to be heartless, but I worry it's too late for me.
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If you're asking me, the heartless person wouldn't question it. Don't think there's such a thing as too late, until you're actually beyond that gate. Body rotting in a grave somewhere.
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[He squeezes his hand back, and leans against him.]
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So, doesn't strike you as a little bullshit if you can say that to me and not think the same about yourself?
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[There's a distinction there that's important.]
I want to think . . . there's something to look forward to. I do.
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Then that's alright. But my thing is still right too.
[Sighing out.]
What's the thing you're looking forward to the most, then?
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[Not super romantic. He gives him a small smile.]
I want to see everyone when they see you again. And I want to show you - I've been working on your room in the tower.
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Didn't ask for you to flatter me, I asked what you were looking forward to. So both is good. Long as the person rotting in prison isn't me.
[He knows it's not, so. Just a joke.]
Oh yes, the much-vaulted tower. This thing has been very talked up to me. Pretty curious about what goes on in there.
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You know that I like that you're a bit of a show-off, right? That I'm into that bit?
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I admit to it, but you have not seen me use any of my higher level spells.
. . . I went to school because I found it fascinating, and incredible, and I loved it. And then I was taught to see it as a weapon, to see myself as a weapon. When I remember I still have love for it, I want to share that with everyone.
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[He huffs an amused noise, but there's a little tinge of That's the Thing I'm Sensitive About to it. He's missed a lot. But it's not really important at the moment.]
So this whole charade probably isn't helping any of that, is it?
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. . . Uhm, well. I don't have so much magic here. So it is less the thing where I feel like a powerful weapon, and more - how it was when we first met. I don't like going back to feeling weak.
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Not the first time I've heard this from-- fuck, most everyone I talk to here at all. But that's what this place is trying to do, isn't it? Make everyone feel as if there's nothing to do but go along with it.
S'bullshit though. [He just presses a little bit closer.] Just about the strongest-willed person I know. [A half-smile.] Rita might have you beat by a nose.
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