PC: CALEB

[headmt]

Comments

[headmt]

[Yeah. He's just automatically leaning his head against his shoulder, probably poking him in the arm with horn but. Hopefully not where Malik stabbed him. He'll deal. He's a big boy. ]

Beau's all fucked up. Obviously. Spring Dorm is depressing as all hells.

[katzepaw]

[Hmm. He lets him, frowning a little.]

. . . It isn't as though it is worse than the other times. He was manipulated, yes, but he still chose to do it.

[headmt]

I suppose. I doubt this place would make it so easy, regardless. Feels like punishing us for trying to defy it.

[Glancing up at him.]

... You alright? Relatively speaking.

[katzepaw]

Hmm.

[Not really, no. Not really. This is actually a little bad for him.]

What he said when he realized it was all a lie. It. . . I don't know.

[headmt]

[He sits up a little again at that, trying to get a better look at his face.]

. . . Go ahead.

[katzepaw]

[His shoulders are shaking a little.]

I don't . . . that's how it happened for me, too, you know? When I killed them, it was like that.

I knew I was killing them, I knew they would die and I wanted them to. But I just. . . I thought I knew what I knew, and it all fell apart.

[headmt]

[Oh.

He knows Caleb sometimes doesn't like to be touched so much when he's upset, so he moves slowly - if he wants to pull away he can - but sitting up to pull him over gently, pressing his face into Caleb's hair, running a hand over his shoulders.]

It's an ugly thing. Getting in your head like that.

[katzepaw]

[He doesn't return the embrace in any way, but he doesn't resist it either; just kind of rigidly accepts being held.]

At the end of the day, it was all still you, and you have to live with yourself. That's the worst of it.

[headmt]

[That's fine. Being a weighted, heated blanket for now.]

Just ... trying to be something other than the worst of what we are. Right?

[katzepaw]

Yeah.

[They both are, they all are. So Molly is allowed to feel angry with himself, afraid of himself. But he isn't allowed to declare that all of that is something he has to be.]

My parents were good to me, they loved me. When I thought they were traitors to the Empire, it disgusted me, I was betrayed and ashamed, so I killed them. But I could have always made the decision that I wouldn't kill them for that. Could have, but didn't.

That they were traitors was the lie, but I did what I did and I will always know that. [He hesitates for a second, takes a breath.] And I have spent a very long time making plans to unburden myself of this thing I chose to do. There is a good chance what I want would ruin everything, ruin all of you. Even so, I can't promise you that I won't do it someday.

This is why I am not such a good person to get attached to.

[headmt]

[If this is a statement meant to scare him off, to make him reconsider, it isn't working. It just makes him more dug in on his decision to get attached - the truth is that it's simply too late now for any sort of distancing. Bound in blood already.]

Be pretty shite of me to tuck my tail and run because you might might a shitty decision to ruin everything when I could hit my head too hard tomorrow and murder everything I care about because some fucker-- what was it? Read the wrong book? Wants to father a city? I don't know the stupid fucking details.

[This is sort of a joke, but also sort of not. It simply wouldn't be conscionable to not reach out the same hand he's been given over and over. Because that's how loving someone works.]

Point is, we've all made decisions in the past. Make new choices every day. Guess I've only got the ones I've seen in front of me. I've liked the ones you've made around me.

[katzepaw]

[It's not meant to make him run. It's meant to be the honest answer he was afraid to give before. There isn't just ugliness in his past he's self-flagellating himself for by pulling away. There are a lot of question marks for him still about his future. And part of him feels that if he admits to any of it, he's risking too much, but he wants to reach out that hand anyway.]

You can run any time you would like to. You don't have to stick around for my mistakes just because you have baggage of your own. [But the tone he says this in is a little gentle; it's also not an attempt to push him away.] If you want to stick around, though, that's. . .

[That might be nice.]

[headmt]

[That's actually very sweet. Anyway Beau already got a dramatic promise out him about sticking around, but the difference between these two asks (or, not asks, as much as suggestions that it'd be nice or whatever) is almost very funny to him. Just the two personalities at work here that are both extremely different but also ... the same? Weirdos.]

Insofar as I hope to stick around anywhere, I expect it'd be around you. If anything, I think you'll be sick of me shortly.

[katzepaw]

[A slightly shaky, fond laugh.]

I don't think I will be.

[headmt]

Suppose I'm not boring. Got that going for me.

[Smooching him on the temple.]

[katzepaw]

You are rather enjoyable company.

. . . Are you moving here? We will move for you if you prefer it, you know.

[headmt]

[He ... looks a bit guilty at that.]

I-- Well. They're probably losing Tsuyakusa. Just going to be pretty empty in there. Lucretia and Sakyou are all grown up, not a problem there, but, ah ... feel a bit badly for Maya and Rita. Just because they're kids.

[Maya's not really a kid, but.]

Anyway, I fielded it past Beau just to see but, she's very attached to everyone at Winter - those boys there, you know, um, Ichiro and Kon and all. Don't want her to lose even more than she already has. They'll be alright. Just someplace different I'm going to sleep at night.

Besides, there's that note we got on our little trip. About the winner takes all.

Suppose that's something to consider too, isn't it? Not that I want to base anything on just ... bullshit promises that likely won't happen.

[katzepaw]

I like Ichiro a lot, too. I don't have any feeling about Kon. Too reserved to have a read on, and frankly a bit arrogant. [Well, so is he.] But he cares for her.

But Beauregard can still care for them and also go somewhere else. It only really affects things on a Thursday. If you feel badly for leaving Spring right now, you should say so.

[Anyway. . . ]

Winner take all for the pocket dimension, which is something I can already do. Though it would be a nice way to see others. The wish is graduation. That's assuming any of this is true.

For me, I would say my main consideration is that I do not want to be the roommate of Malik.

[headmt]

He did get his knife taken.

[But no, he gets that. He would not want to be stabbed in his sleep either. He's quiet for a second, but after a bit:]

... I feel badly about it.

[katzepaw]

Mm. I did, too, when I left.

[headmt]

[He looks a bit guilty at that.]

Would you like to go back to Fall? We can always do that too.

[katzepaw]

No. It's okay - they're fine over there without me. [. . .] Also, Mabel is there now, and I can't deal with screaming fights every day.

[headmt]

[The feud with this tween.]

Fair enough.

[Putting his chin on his shoulder.]

Spring is very quiet. Lots of books.

[katzepaw]

[Listen! It's not his feud! He tries to ignore her completely.]

We will see what Beauregard thinks. But I don't think it's wrong to let it be a discussion.

[He reaches and gently runs a couple fingers along his jaw.]

Winter does have that spare bedroom going for it. But more competition to use it.

[headmt]

[Staring off into the distance, a hand absently going up to twist the piercing in his lip around.]

Winter does have the spare bedroom ...