PC: CALEB

[headmt]

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[katzepaw]

I know, I know.

[Sighing. He can tell the guilt only makes it worse, so he's trying not to feel guilty for it, but fuck. Why does this have to keep happening.]

I have plenty of ugly memories that are all my own, but it seems they only want you to get these.

[headmt]

[It does seem this place is intent on showing him all of his own ugliness. He stays where he is, forehead pressed to Caleb's, but his hands sort of fall off his collar after a bit. He doesn't want him to move away or anything, but he's ... tired. It's like having your insides scooped out and thrown at a wall.]

So, not completely gone, then?

[katzepaw]

No.

[But that's sort of the worst part of it, isn't it? The hardest part, that sort of future.]

That wasn't the only time it worked, trying to. . . remind him, I suppose.

[headmt]

[It is the worst part. For all of his - well, their mutual - denial that any part of the other remains, it's grabbing him by the horns and forcing him to look it in the eyes. All nine of them. You're killing her, you're killing her, you love her, and you're killing her.

He isn't really sure what to say to that, to any of this, so he just ... keeps sitting there, heart racing, trying to figure out how to square it. Live with it.]

[katzepaw]

[Here. It's awkward to keep straddling him when he's having a meltdown. He's going to sort of shift to the side, so he can hold him instead? For all of his awkwardness about this sort of thing sometimes, this time he doesn't really hesitate to just put his arms around him, lie next to him.]

It's awful. I'm so sorry.

[headmt]

[That works. Turning to just curl up against him. It's all a bit pathetic, but he's had, what, three? Four meltdowns around or on him in the past two weeks at least. If he was going to start being embarrassed by it, it's much too late for that. As it is, he mostly just appreciates it as much as he can through all the noise of the rest of it.]

... I'm sorry.

[katzepaw]

[Oh, Mollymauk. He did this, but now feels a little suddenly awkward, like maybe he went too far trying to hold him in such an intimate way. He doesn't seem to mind, but. . .

Well, in for a penny. He runs his fingers across his back just a little, and then leans to give him a kiss on the forehead.]

Don't be sorry. Not you.

[headmt]

[It's better. It's helping. There's a long sigh out when he's kissed on the forehead, like he'd forgotten that he's alive and breathing for the past few minutes. It's funny, that by his own reckoning, he doesn't think he's been held like this by ... anyone. Not while every emotional nerve is raw and vulnerable as it is. After a minute he uncurls just enough to put his arms back around Caleb, digging his nails into the back of the coat.]

Someone has to say it.

[katzepaw]

[He hasn't held someone like this in a very, very long time, so they're even.]

Does someone have to? [. . .] Even he. . . wasn't exactly steering the ship anymore. Whatever happened for you to come to exist also seemed to have driven him crazy.

[headmt]

[A very, very watery-hiccup laugh.]

I have no idea if that's better or worse.

[katzepaw]

You don't?

[The tears in his voice tug at his heartstrings, but he doesn't know what to say.]

It's better, isn't it? Not to have been . . . born to become what the terrible things that happen to us turn us into. Harder to look at but easier to try to do something about.

[headmt]

[If there was a dam about to break, he manages to rein it in - either by force of will or because that does actually soothe whatever was running through his head just then. Pushing his forehead into Caleb's chest, probably against whatever mortal injury he'd managed to inflict there.]

Fuck.

[katzepaw]

[Very cautiously bringing his hand to brush through his hair just a little bit.]

. . . So, as far as dates you've been on go?

[It's a joke, but he sort of says it softly, more meant as gentle than funny.]

[headmt]

[He laughs - wheezy and sort of like, that laugh you do when you're sort of shocked, but genuinely laughing.]

Was that a joke, Mr. Caleb?

[katzepaw]

No. I never tell jokes.

[A small smile.]

[headmt]

[He starts to pull back just a little bit from the like, sad child cling.]

That's a shame. It was a good one.

[katzepaw]

[Letting him pull away, sitting back a little himself.]

. . . Okay?

[headmt]

[Reaching up to fix his hair a bit, but mostly just ... fidgeting.]

. . . It's both the best and worst date I've ever been on.

[The only date he's ever been on.]

[katzepaw]

If that's true, you have wasted an opportunity this week. Good excuse to ask someone on one.

[headmt]

[He just ... tilts his head, sort of amused now?]

Can't imagine what I was doing instead?

[katzepaw]

[A little embarrassed.]

I meant. . .

[Other people? Attractive, appealing people?]

[headmt]

[He's still like, shaking off the emotional whiplash he just went through, but he finds this mild protest to be more cute than anything - just leaning heavily back against the couch arm and shrugging widely at the I meant. He gets what he meant. He just thinks it's silly.]

My performance? As far as dates you've been on.

[katzepaw]

Ah. [A small smile, just a little thin.] I haven't been on a date since I was a teenager.

Pretty good, I would say. Some highs and lows.

[headmt]

[He huffs, letting his head roll back, putting his hands over his stomach.]

Fuck. Going to have to do better next time.

[katzepaw]

Next time?

[Hmm.]