I'd like to say it to you, if I can. It's not a happy thing. But Beauregard knows it, the others know it by now, so it - it would bother me, for anyone else.
[He doesn't pull away - in fact, when he leans his head on him, his arm around the back of Caleb's shoulders tightens a little to pull him in closer, though letting him flinch away if he needs to.
For all of his bullshit and lies, he was truthful about what he said about not caring about the misdeeds of anyone's past. That he wouldn't change how he saw a person based on anything he learned. He isn't actually sure how he feels about this, about hearing it. It isn't as if Caleb is sharing because he wants to, but because he feels he has to at knife point, and Molly is the easiest cut to take. So he doesn't want to make it harder than has to be either. He isn't the most careful with words or feelings or navigating the real complexities of ... all of these sorts of things. His life on the whole is a pretty simple one. But he's trying hard here.
As heavy as that is, he doesn't react too visibly, just letting his fingers tighten into Caleb's coat a touch. Softly:]
[Breathing out a sigh, maybe of relief? At the gesture touching him as much as the response. It sounds a little pained, but it's probably relief. That's everyone he loves now. It feels impossible, but it's true.]
[He just nods, a bit more sharply this time than the slow way he had before. It's difficult to see his eyes move at times, but it's clear he's trying to glance at him - gauge the reaction. But once there's a sigh of maybe pained relief, he sort of matches it, sinking down a little more against the ground.]
Then I heard it. [His free hand works its way up to spin the piercing in his lip a little, thinking. It isn't as if Caleb has explained why, or any context for it, but he isn't one to ask either. He doesn't really need to either when he's told everyone else as well.] Doesn't change who I think you are, or anything.
[He huffs a small laugh, his smile thin. That's not a surprise to him at all. He's been through this now with everyone, and every time he expected rejection or even a negative reaction of some sort, he doesn't get it. It feels a little surreal to him. Like he could burn a person in the street and his friends would say 'it's okay, I support you.']
Well. They never did anything to deserve it. Never did anything but care for me and support me. And they aren't - I have killed many, many others, too, who never did anything to deserve death besides being branded traitors to the Empire.
[He doesn't say this exactly like he's trying to get Molly to realize how bad it is so much as he feels a little like he ought to stand up for these people who he killed; their lives weren't this meaningless.]
There were lies, and manipulations, and I was very young, as young as some people here. But everything I did I did by choice, too, so it is hard to understand how it changes nothing.
[He's been speaking to the group that chose to follow a creature of purely evil intent halfway across the fantasy arctic because it had a familiar face. They started with giving bandits a gold piece, with helping a traitor to the Dynasty. The feeling is so powerful that the whole, intact soul of Lucien, with only its fragile little pieces of Mollymauk, hesitated to kill them until the last.
The Mighty Nein on the whole are very reluctant to act as judge and jury. Molly especially. He has no desire to sit here and weigh his friend's sins.]
Just doesn't. [...] Don't think any of us would be where we were if there weren't fucked shit in our pasts. So we are what we are right now. Making new choices.
[He goes quiet for a while after that, since it just sort of seems like a lot was said and accepted, and maybe the horse doesn't need to be beaten into a paste about it. Pulling him in a little closer again, just turning his face to kiss him on top of his head once. Touchy-feely week, man. Though it's a gesture he's familiar with anyway, this time just without the slap in front of it. Seems like Caleb's progressed beyond the need for slapping.]
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[He looks a little concerned by that.]
I don't mean to be. Just have a little on my mind today.
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[Using the hand that over his shoulders to pat him.]
Anything in particular or just the generalized terror of being trapped in the institution of murder?
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What is supposed to be the point of this.
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Right, the-- Regret.
[He sniffs.]
Just to fuck with our heads, I suppose?
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[Crossing his arms across his chest with a sigh.]
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[He toys at the piercing in his bottom lip for a second with the hand that isn't currently slung across Caleb's shoulders, quiet for a second.]
My extra credit is to tell someone I don't know well a secret. So, suppose I've got it double in a way.
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[. . .]
I'd like to say it to you, if I can. It's not a happy thing. But Beauregard knows it, the others know it by now, so it - it would bother me, for anyone else.
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[Including a few Molly himself doesn't know, actually. So there's that. He looks over though, nodding a bit slowly.]
... Alright. Yeah. I mean, of course. [He pauses, for just a second.] I can even not hear it. If you'd prefer that.
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[Just gently leaning his head on his shoulder before sort of remembering where he is and flinching away.]
. . . I killed my mother and father. Not a cute way of saying by accident. I murdered them.
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For all of his bullshit and lies, he was truthful about what he said about not caring about the misdeeds of anyone's past. That he wouldn't change how he saw a person based on anything he learned. He isn't actually sure how he feels about this, about hearing it. It isn't as if Caleb is sharing because he wants to, but because he feels he has to at knife point, and Molly is the easiest cut to take. So he doesn't want to make it harder than has to be either. He isn't the most careful with words or feelings or navigating the real complexities of ... all of these sorts of things. His life on the whole is a pretty simple one. But he's trying hard here.
As heavy as that is, he doesn't react too visibly, just letting his fingers tighten into Caleb's coat a touch. Softly:]
Alright.
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I don't want you to, uh, not have heard it.
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Then I heard it. [His free hand works its way up to spin the piercing in his lip a little, thinking. It isn't as if Caleb has explained why, or any context for it, but he isn't one to ask either. He doesn't really need to either when he's told everyone else as well.] Doesn't change who I think you are, or anything.
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Well. They never did anything to deserve it. Never did anything but care for me and support me. And they aren't - I have killed many, many others, too, who never did anything to deserve death besides being branded traitors to the Empire.
[He doesn't say this exactly like he's trying to get Molly to realize how bad it is so much as he feels a little like he ought to stand up for these people who he killed; their lives weren't this meaningless.]
There were lies, and manipulations, and I was very young, as young as some people here. But everything I did I did by choice, too, so it is hard to understand how it changes nothing.
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The Mighty Nein on the whole are very reluctant to act as judge and jury. Molly especially. He has no desire to sit here and weigh his friend's sins.]
Just doesn't. [...] Don't think any of us would be where we were if there weren't fucked shit in our pasts. So we are what we are right now. Making new choices.
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Alright. [Just. Leaning his head against him.]
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[He goes quiet for a while after that, since it just sort of seems like a lot was said and accepted, and maybe the horse doesn't need to be beaten into a paste about it. Pulling him in a little closer again, just turning his face to kiss him on top of his head once. Touchy-feely week, man. Though it's a gesture he's familiar with anyway, this time just without the slap in front of it. Seems like Caleb's progressed beyond the need for slapping.]