... I'm owed a favor from a few. I can pull those.
[He pauses, digging his claws into his own arms for a moment.]
Would it be better? To simply come outright and say "I've done this." We spend so much time chasing our tails-- but I can imagine the stubborn few who would choose to vote as they please anyway. A dangerous line.
It depends. I think ideally, he would admit to it all outright, and we could ignore any evidence related to him from the start. But there are two flaws with this strategy.
[. . .]
First, if we don't find Aoi and Lenore's killers, those who are too afraid to try for a no vote might find him an acceptable sacrifice.
Second. . . [she frowns a little] Second is that he might be lying to us. You know he had the incentive, and the desire. If he was lying, and there's some piece of evidence that would prove he attacked Mahito, it would be dangerous to give ourselves more time to stumble upon it.
[He'll admit that gu yun would simply tell them it was self-defense even if it wasn't.]
I spoke to Gojou about Mahito this week. He agreed that he was dangerous - beyond dangerous. Asked me to vote for him, should we come down to dire straits. I expect he and others won't be shocked by the concept of him choosing to attack someone.
That said the most likely piece of evidence to prove that Mahito was attacked and not the attacker is the one that's in my hands. If it showed that, I'd obviously just misrepresent what it showed.
One thing that occurs to me now is. . . if Mahito was truly a monster, he will be suspected of killing Aoi. But it seems quite unlikely he would take on two targets in one night, and make his second target Gu Yun.
We'll need to think of a way to move away from that theory. I suppose that they were in a sense friends. . .
Too risky. And not credible in the slightest that you wouldn't have thought to try warning anyone. If anything, it implicates those of us you might have tried warning even further.
Look, I think-- Knowing what you're fucking fighting for is important. Something that can make you happy. Your wish will, and adding this hope to it, something fucking solid to hold onto.
[his hands clasp together. she can be as angry or upset or warn him as much as she likes.]
If you won't make the decision for your own happiness, I will make it for you, and you can hate me for that all that you like. It's possible.
[She opens her eyes again, sits up, still holding her sword like a dumb stuffed animal, but glaring at him.]
That isn't how I am. I don't know how to function when there are things I'm afraid of losing. And there are already too many things, and I have grown unacceptably vulnerable in this regard, so do not give me more.
[She runs her hand through her hair, pushing back the hair hanging over her temple, her expression going from glinting malice to something a little more fearful.]
I promise you that if you do not keep your wish exactly as I have told you, you will regret it for the rest of your days.
That isn't what I'm saying and you know it. I won't- I'm doing as you ask. But if it has to be, I'll add it to mine and force you kicking and screaming with me. I've certainly been working my ass off, I think I'll be entitled to a little bit more.
But I know that you've been working hard, indulging and what not in your Despair ... shit. Your wish is for one person. So I need you to make it two, the same as you've told me. Your wish is two people now. The one you came for, and yourself.
[That seems to stop her from talking, if it doesn't relieve the confusion. John, John, John. Lord, I will never ask anything of you. . .
There's just something wrong here. All of this, all she's done, how many nights she's worried about whether she can fulfill her promises and earn her wish while still wanting to save so many people she's come to hold dear. She'd just assumed whatever she was here for must have been so fucking important, compared to all of the tiny little lives that actually matter to her.
She knows she's meant to stop, but she can't help but try to reach out with her thoughts and grasp at the boundaries, of a person who would be that important. Maybe having others who are important to her has made that notion more tenable, something she can begin to grasp, someone she can picture a faint outline for.
And when she reaches for it, what she touches is terrible. She opens a little piece of scab on her heart and finds that it's full of rotten meat. A crushing grief she can't bear to linger on. She can't even manage to feel embarrassed when she bursts into tears.]
What have you done to me? I told you. I told you. I need to be angry. I can't do it this way.
[He'll just immediately come over and just hold her - putting his chin on top of her head. If she needs to cry she can cry, but. he still believes he's right. stubbornly, stupidly.]
Funnily enough, I had a conversation with Mahito about this. About-- I don't know why we were talking about it. But I've never been so fucking angry in my life before coming here. But he gave me some good advice, and it's that you should just fucking feel all of it. You can do that. Just have all of it. All at once.
[He might be right, even if he's stubborn and stupid. Maybe compartmentalizing all of your feelings by removing the ugly ones isn't the best way to handle grief. Who can say. She'll just cry on him a little, and it hurts even more because she just - she just doesn't want to lose this. She doesn't want to go back to a place where her pain would be nothing to anyone but an ugly display of weakness.
But she really doesn't know how to manage this. After a minute, the initial wave of whatever the fuck that was subsides a little, leaving her just crying for reasons she can't understand, but that probably have as much to do with letting something loose as it does with her phantom pain.]
Anger is a productive emotion. Fear is not. And I'm so, so very frightened. I don't want Aoi to be dead. I don't want Gu Yun to die. I don't want everyone to lose what they came here for.
[She sniffles and wipes her face.]
Also, Mahito was a spirit that fed off negative emotions, so his advice may not have been the best to follow!
[He can recognize that maybe the advice isn't the best source, but it helped him a lot? He'd have more to say about anger if he could--
Well. He almost grasps something.]
Anger isn't always bad. But it can be. A little bit of fear is just caution isn't it? Too much anger and you can fucking drown. A little bit of hope can keep you going where anger and fear and even fucking sheer stubborn spine can't.
Fuck knows it's all-- Sometimes, when you've been in a grave, it's easy to just think of going back to it. How it'd be so easy to just stop and lay back down and go back to dreaming about nothing and not worry about any of this horseshit, but I can't. I can't, and you can't either. So I'm sorry, but you've got to think about the good things too.
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[He pauses, digging his claws into his own arms for a moment.]
Would it be better? To simply come outright and say "I've done this." We spend so much time chasing our tails-- but I can imagine the stubborn few who would choose to vote as they please anyway. A dangerous line.
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[. . .]
First, if we don't find Aoi and Lenore's killers, those who are too afraid to try for a no vote might find him an acceptable sacrifice.
Second. . . [she frowns a little] Second is that he might be lying to us. You know he had the incentive, and the desire. If he was lying, and there's some piece of evidence that would prove he attacked Mahito, it would be dangerous to give ourselves more time to stumble upon it.
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[He'll admit that gu yun would simply tell them it was self-defense even if it wasn't.]
I spoke to Gojou about Mahito this week. He agreed that he was dangerous - beyond dangerous. Asked me to vote for him, should we come down to dire straits. I expect he and others won't be shocked by the concept of him choosing to attack someone.
That said the most likely piece of evidence to prove that Mahito was attacked and not the attacker is the one that's in my hands. If it showed that, I'd obviously just misrepresent what it showed.
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We'll need to think of a way to move away from that theory. I suppose that they were in a sense friends. . .
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[Reaching to tug a bit at his lip piercing, thinking it over.]
I could invent a conversation we had. One where he was considering a move against someone.
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... I asked Greed if it was an Eleanor situation, and his response is [squints. mouthing the words.]
Proceed as u-- ... Oh. Usual. Proceed as usual.
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[But. Whatever.]
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We wouldn't have earned some warning by now?
[Well.]
... I spoke to Despair about some things.
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[Rude, Harrow.]
What did you learn?
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[Leaning forward a bit.]
I asked about going some place other than where you originally came from.
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Molly. Don't.
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[his hands clasp together. she can be as angry or upset or warn him as much as she likes.]
If you won't make the decision for your own happiness, I will make it for you, and you can hate me for that all that you like. It's possible.
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[She opens her eyes again, sits up, still holding her sword like a dumb stuffed animal, but glaring at him.]
That isn't how I am. I don't know how to function when there are things I'm afraid of losing. And there are already too many things, and I have grown unacceptably vulnerable in this regard, so do not give me more.
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[Glaring right back?]
I'm not giving it to you to carry. It's with me. It's my fucking wish for you.
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[She knows that isn't exactly what he means, but still.]
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I promise you that if you do not keep your wish exactly as I have told you, you will regret it for the rest of your days.
I won't do that to you. Don't.
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But I know that you've been working hard, indulging and what not in your Despair ... shit. Your wish is for one person. So I need you to make it two, the same as you've told me. Your wish is two people now. The one you came for, and yourself.
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It's for one person? She brings her hand back to her temple again, confused, looking a little dizzy in her confusion.]
What? Who? There isn't. . .
[There isn't anyone like that. Worth using a wish on. It doesn't make any sense.]
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Mantico-- John. John John John. You just have to trust me. We're the same. Here for one little life, and some fucking mystery that we each hold.
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There's just something wrong here. All of this, all she's done, how many nights she's worried about whether she can fulfill her promises and earn her wish while still wanting to save so many people she's come to hold dear. She'd just assumed whatever she was here for must have been so fucking important, compared to all of the tiny little lives that actually matter to her.
She knows she's meant to stop, but she can't help but try to reach out with her thoughts and grasp at the boundaries, of a person who would be that important. Maybe having others who are important to her has made that notion more tenable, something she can begin to grasp, someone she can picture a faint outline for.
And when she reaches for it, what she touches is terrible. She opens a little piece of scab on her heart and finds that it's full of rotten meat. A crushing grief she can't bear to linger on. She can't even manage to feel embarrassed when she bursts into tears.]
What have you done to me? I told you. I told you. I need to be angry. I can't do it this way.
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Funnily enough, I had a conversation with Mahito about this. About-- I don't know why we were talking about it. But I've never been so fucking angry in my life before coming here. But he gave me some good advice, and it's that you should just fucking feel all of it. You can do that. Just have all of it. All at once.
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But she really doesn't know how to manage this. After a minute, the initial wave of whatever the fuck that was subsides a little, leaving her just crying for reasons she can't understand, but that probably have as much to do with letting something loose as it does with her phantom pain.]
Anger is a productive emotion. Fear is not. And I'm so, so very frightened. I don't want Aoi to be dead. I don't want Gu Yun to die. I don't want everyone to lose what they came here for.
[She sniffles and wipes her face.]
Also, Mahito was a spirit that fed off negative emotions, so his advice may not have been the best to follow!
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[He can recognize that maybe the advice isn't the best source, but it helped him a lot? He'd have more to say about anger if he could--
Well. He almost grasps something.]
Anger isn't always bad. But it can be. A little bit of fear is just caution isn't it? Too much anger and you can fucking drown. A little bit of hope can keep you going where anger and fear and even fucking sheer stubborn spine can't.
Fuck knows it's all-- Sometimes, when you've been in a grave, it's easy to just think of going back to it. How it'd be so easy to just stop and lay back down and go back to dreaming about nothing and not worry about any of this horseshit, but I can't. I can't, and you can't either. So I'm sorry, but you've got to think about the good things too.
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