I know she did. I'm saying she should have been smarter about it, kept it from me. It was stupid not to be. I'm very fucking stubborn, I- [he's choking up a bit now. not really crying? he doesn't know if he could do that right now. he feels like gluttony when the creature had ripped out their insides.] I just wouldn't have accepted it until it was too late.
[And sickeningly he's grateful for that too. He's on his knees by now, just drowning in whatever he's managing to feel that isn't just a broiling mix of rage and grief. All the things he's never had to feel before. Hadn't wanted to. He'd been able to shrug off being told by Gluttony, had pushed the problem down the line another few days, but
she's not really in the other room, and he knew that, didn't he? foolish.
the truth always has its due. it always wants something. he doesn't know what to do with any of it, he doesn't know what to do.]
[Oh, are we going to lie on the floor despondently? We can do that. It's fine. She's not a very comfortable person to cling to, being covered in a bunch of bones, but she will sit there with him, an arm around him.
And when he asks, she pauses, letting a lot of feelings wash over her before replacing them with something calm.
Have a gentle smooch on the forehead right back, baby.]
I don't have any particular expectations of that, idiot. I think they're all ones of your own.
[But it seems like he does expect himself to be a good person.]
[it's fine he's used to the bones. and at least some of the horrible feeling of being on a ledge calms when she kisses him on the forehead - partially because it's just a reminder of ... something. His own voice telling himself to save it for later. Keep holding the pieces together for long enough to stay alive.
Fall apart some other time.
but he does have high expectations for himself. he's on Pride for a reason. Still, for the moment, he calms down. Just breathes.]
I don't know how to leave this place any better than I fucking found it.
[What the calm gives way to though is certainly an understanding as to how someone feels so angry they want to hold people by the neck and curse their brains to soup. But he hates that part of himself. Always has.]
A smoldering pile of rubble would be an improvement, I should think.
[But she's really not going to let him stay on the ledge with this.]
Molly. It's as I told you - I feel that Wrath was being at least somewhat honest about it when I spoke to her last week. She said she didn't think they could be revived, and that clearly meant. . . if they're consumed, as the Avatars intend. But she didn't know how it will work, if it's part of a wish, if we succeed at the indulgence part of it.
[She expressed a lot of cynicism about the wishes before, but - ]
Understand that we will be getting those, even if we have to fight for it. No other outcome is acceptable to me. [Just a rush of protective energy. She's not going to fucking let him go through all of this just to die.]
Everyone seems at least a little willing to lie to my face about it, don't they?
[The consumption and all. he doesn't seem that bitter as much as just thinking. is he that pathetic? Kind of sad, really. He doesn't know how to express that he cares so little about his stupid wish for a tiny bit more time now. How it barely seems to matter compared to getting to take care of what he wants to take care of. Beau and Harrow and Gu Yun and-- all his friends among the Avatars, who'd looked in his face and told him to just keep his head down and keep indulging, truth behind their teeth. How he still, stupidly, cares about their happiness.]
... I need you to tell me that even if shit goes sideways and something happens to me, you'll go somewhere else. You won't go back to that place. Don't fucking argue with me. Don't try and threaten me and say you'll only do it if I'm alive, because I need you to fucking say it, Harrow.
[She doesn't think he was suggesting she was, just pointing it out. She is a lot of things, many of them not good, but he can trust in her honesty with him.
She does want to argue with him, and there's a spike of defiance there, but. He asked so seriously, this time.]
If I have say in the matter, I won't go back. But I need assurances in return. Don't use my agreement as an excuse not to care. I need you.
[He agrees? And he loves her for that. Not her. A bit funny now, how he might have hated that particular trait of hers when this all started, how the truth is so fucking vicious and awful. Lies are sweet and easy to live with, how they don't ask anything of you beyond the surface.
This is exactly how one stupid purple teen finds a cursed notebook and gets covered in eyeballs isn't it?
He relaxes a bit at that though, not only emotionally just visibly sort of collapses a bit, relieved.]
Of course I care. [It's a reasonable thing to call him on.] I won't. I'd do anything in my power not to hurt you further. You're my family, as much as any of the Nein.
[and he's known Harrow longer than he knew any of them too, now.]
[Oh. She's beyond touched about this. Is it bad to also cry when your friend is crying for much better reasons? Probably, so she will hold back just for that, but. That just means so much to her.
Sometimes you grow up steeped in how vicious and awful the truth is every day of your life, from before you were old enough to talk, because your actual family wanted to mold you into something hard and cold, to aware of all the pain and tragedy to ever abandon your duty, a perfect martyr to save the Ninth. And then you meet people who care more than their own life about not letting you go back to that.
She knew he cared, but she didn't know it was that much. Good, then, because she would care this much whether or not it was.]
My family is rather monstrous, you know. Even as I have loved them, that is what they are, and avoiding causing me pain has not, I think, ever been a priority. So I don't really know anything about that, but I won't allow you to be hurt further, either.
[he isn't crying! he isn't crying. he's just laying despondent on the floor going through a mental breakdown. there are no tears, so it's fine probably.]
Don't know that I'd know anything about blood family. Never had one, don't really care to want one. Pick the people you want, if you're asking me.
[Sometimes it's just a clown you found on the side of the road and decided to adopt?
anyway when the depressed teen has to try and comfort you so maybe you can manage to get off the floor and not be so much of a Fucking Bummer its time to sit up. he does so.]
Right. [...] Death first to scavenging Vent Creatures.
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[And sickeningly he's grateful for that too. He's on his knees by now, just drowning in whatever he's managing to feel that isn't just a broiling mix of rage and grief. All the things he's never had to feel before. Hadn't wanted to. He'd been able to shrug off being told by Gluttony, had pushed the problem down the line another few days, but
she's not really in the other room, and he knew that, didn't he? foolish.
the truth always has its due. it always wants something. he doesn't know what to do with any of it, he doesn't know what to do.]
How good of a person am I expected to be?
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And when he asks, she pauses, letting a lot of feelings wash over her before replacing them with something calm.
Have a gentle smooch on the forehead right back, baby.]
I don't have any particular expectations of that, idiot. I think they're all ones of your own.
[But it seems like he does expect himself to be a good person.]
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Fall apart some other time.
but he does have high expectations for himself. he's on Pride for a reason. Still, for the moment, he calms down. Just breathes.]
I don't know how to leave this place any better than I fucking found it.
[What the calm gives way to though is certainly an understanding as to how someone feels so angry they want to hold people by the neck and curse their brains to soup. But he hates that part of himself. Always has.]
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[But she's really not going to let him stay on the ledge with this.]
Molly. It's as I told you - I feel that Wrath was being at least somewhat honest about it when I spoke to her last week. She said she didn't think they could be revived, and that clearly meant. . . if they're consumed, as the Avatars intend. But she didn't know how it will work, if it's part of a wish, if we succeed at the indulgence part of it.
[She expressed a lot of cynicism about the wishes before, but - ]
Understand that we will be getting those, even if we have to fight for it. No other outcome is acceptable to me. [Just a rush of protective energy. She's not going to fucking let him go through all of this just to die.]
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[The consumption and all. he doesn't seem that bitter as much as just thinking. is he that pathetic? Kind of sad, really. He doesn't know how to express that he cares so little about his stupid wish for a tiny bit more time now. How it barely seems to matter compared to getting to take care of what he wants to take care of. Beau and Harrow and Gu Yun and-- all his friends among the Avatars, who'd looked in his face and told him to just keep his head down and keep indulging, truth behind their teeth. How he still, stupidly, cares about their happiness.]
... I need you to tell me that even if shit goes sideways and something happens to me, you'll go somewhere else. You won't go back to that place. Don't fucking argue with me. Don't try and threaten me and say you'll only do it if I'm alive, because I need you to fucking say it, Harrow.
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[She doesn't think he was suggesting she was, just pointing it out. She is a lot of things, many of them not good, but he can trust in her honesty with him.
She does want to argue with him, and there's a spike of defiance there, but. He asked so seriously, this time.]
If I have say in the matter, I won't go back. But I need assurances in return. Don't use my agreement as an excuse not to care. I need you.
no subject
[He agrees? And he loves her for that. Not her. A bit funny now, how he might have hated that particular trait of hers when this all started, how the truth is so fucking vicious and awful. Lies are sweet and easy to live with, how they don't ask anything of you beyond the surface.
This is exactly how one stupid purple teen finds a cursed notebook and gets covered in eyeballs isn't it?
He relaxes a bit at that though, not only emotionally just visibly sort of collapses a bit, relieved.]
Of course I care. [It's a reasonable thing to call him on.] I won't. I'd do anything in my power not to hurt you further. You're my family, as much as any of the Nein.
[and he's known Harrow longer than he knew any of them too, now.]
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Sometimes you grow up steeped in how vicious and awful the truth is every day of your life, from before you were old enough to talk, because your actual family wanted to mold you into something hard and cold, to aware of all the pain and tragedy to ever abandon your duty, a perfect martyr to save the Ninth. And then you meet people who care more than their own life about not letting you go back to that.
She knew he cared, but she didn't know it was that much. Good, then, because she would care this much whether or not it was.]
My family is rather monstrous, you know. Even as I have loved them, that is what they are, and avoiding causing me pain has not, I think, ever been a priority. So I don't really know anything about that, but I won't allow you to be hurt further, either.
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Don't know that I'd know anything about blood family. Never had one, don't really care to want one. Pick the people you want, if you're asking me.
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. . . I pick you. I'd like to stay with you. Let's hold onto those hopes for a little while longer, all right?
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anyway when the depressed teen has to try and comfort you so maybe you can manage to get off the floor and not be so much of a Fucking Bummer its time to sit up. he does so.]
Right. [...] Death first to scavenging Vent Creatures.
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Agreed.