[Well she just told him not to be angry but there is just a fucking wave of fear and anger at Despair who's an utter bastard and more fear! Just a lot of fucking fear!]
You think you won't be fighting your way to the front of a crowd on that one?
Of course I will be. But that doesn't mean I won't be first. It's just a matter of who gets to him first, isn't it? I can arrange things when we discuss how to subdue him to ensure it's me.
[Oh, dear. She's. . . less worried than he is, but concerned about his feelings.]
You can tell me not to. Though maybe I oughtn't say so; maybe it would be better not to ask you to decide.
[He forces himself to calm down a little? Just. Breathing for a second. It's fine.]
Look. It isn't as if I don't get it. Someone will do it if you don't. I can't even say the thought didn't cross my mind. It's basically a free pie on a fucking windowsill.
But what happens when you do it and no one else has made a move at trial, and someone who has decided they love sweet innocent Childe who's done nothing wrong and that whoever did that to him has to pay? And we can't stop them from voting. Nothing we do seems to work. It's one vote and it's over Harrow.
Who says I'll be caught? The only ones who really bother are all much more fond of me than they are of Childe.
[But more seriously.]
I think I would be able to stop them from voting, if I played my hand well. There's an Avatar power that lets one see the vote spread. I had thought to invent one that let me see who cast a particular vote - a threatened bit of blackmail on someone who would vote in secret against the group. I think it would be enough, as long as no one's emotions were heightened.
I don't know that you'll be caught, but we might panic and steer towards someone by mistake as well.
[He just.
doesn't like all the possibilities here.]
... I want you to have those fucking memories. Shite. Gu Yun could have waited for his shitty medicine. We were helping him. But-- [Just. So much turmoil?]
Yes, and depending on who it is I wouldn't be able to accept that, but I also can't die. Not voting is really the only outcome that would be tolerable.
[Molly. . . she'll reach out and touch him on his arm.]
I doubt it's more important to me to have my brain functioning on a level it has never particularly functioned at than to have Gu Yun able to see and hear and defend himself.
[She actually feels a lot of doubts and worries in general.]
[Okay. As soon as she reaches out and then says the thing about not having to do this there's just instant relief from that sort of high-pitch anxiety you don't necessarily realize you have until it's starting to drain away. Like a whistle that you hadn't heard until it stops and there's sudden silence. he really did not want her to do this. and there's another sense of relief, in that she seems to mean it when she says that, like he believes she won't actually just go off and do it anyway.]
I think I can come up with something better, if we have to. Fuck it. Don't let this place drag you into blood and muck.
[Her feelings are fairly calm about this in general.]
Stupid. You're the one who wanted me to have them back. [He's the one who cares about her memories!] I've been in the blood and muck since I was born, but - [sigh] I'd slit Childe's throat yesterday, but the idea of using him as fuel for what I personally want doesn't sit well with me.
The thanergetic principles are sound, but I don't - [There's a moment of a very, very nasty feeling here, something dark and shameful, a kind of crippling mixture of self-loathing and survivor's guilt.] - I dislike that particular form of ritual.
I don't know that I understand that distinction. [A little judgment, low level, at 'hot-blooded murder.'] I don't consider my view a rational one, particularly as I hope someone else decides to use him as fuel for something they need. I don't think it's morally better to kill someone because you're angry than to kill someone for pragmatic reasons; perhaps the opposite.
[the judgmental doesn't bother him in the slightest it seems]
Generally, I just get angry when people are actively trying to kill me or someone I care about, so I think I'll stick to my complex justifications for taking a life.
Pragmatism always ends up complicated if you ask me.
[She actually drops the whole judgmental thing because at her core she agrees with this completely.]
So. What should we do, today? Philosophical debates? Create the perfect murder plan for Childe? Talk about our feelings? Have me sit here and share more stories about my past murder plans, which you will rudely laugh at?
[The emotion is fond. They really have come such a long distance since she rambled about making her bones into soup at him because she didn't know what to do with his grief. She still doesn't know, but at least she can admit that she'd like to.]
[molly just laughs a bit, equally fond? It isn't as if he knows what to do with all of it either. he's never grieved for anything before this place. never really lost anything or anyone? so he isn't really practiced either.]
Well, okay, imagine this, he's in an empty locked room, no weapons or furniture or clothes in sight, just a puddle of water on the ground.
Yes, I'm sure. [She doesn't know what a water genasi is, but also her main complaint was that this was a locked room riddle? What?
Anyway. Sigh.]
. . . My the Ninth House, when I left it behind, measured a little over a hundred individuals. Ranging from the age of thirty six to over a hundred, but principally the elderly. Pilgrims, nuns, refugees from other Houses, the odd retired Cohort soldier, a handful of living guards, my marshal, and my aunts, and that's about it. [There's a twinge of homesickness when she describes this, though. Not at all about the aunts, a little towards the marshal, but just generally towards the people.] My mother and father died when I was young, so I managed the household most of my life. We lost an entire generation of children, before I was born - everyone under the age of nineteen went at once due to a contamination incident - and most of the generation after left for Cohort service or other reasons. [Both the bit about her parents and the 'contamination incident' stick out as big old lies or at least omissions, but there's not really a feeling of nervousness like she's hiding anything, so much as choosing to brush past it because that's not the point of what she's saying right now.]
When I left, it was to travel to Canaan House, on the First. The population there being three priests, and the heirs and cavaliers primary of seven other Houses besides my own. [A little odd nostalgia for this, too.] And secretly one Lyctor, of course. I spent some months in convalescence on the Erebos, and that is a behemoth class ship, but I never left the hospital ward and hardly had a conversation with anyone who wasn't Ianthe or the Emperor. And then the Mithraeum - myself and Ianthe, the baby Lyctors, plus the three saints who all hated me in various unique ways, and the Emperor himself. [Only bad vibes for the Mithraeum! Except the Emperor and Ianthe, both of whom she is fond of, and who are also both great people probably.]
That is essentially the sum of people I've known and places I've seen before coming here. It is not extensive.
[There honestly isn't even a pique of curiosity when she gives the obvious feeling of lying. He just lets it pass, without question. And he listens to all of this pretty intently - it feels less conversational, more confessional, admitting the obvious that she doesn't have that much experience with life that's actually good in general.
It just makes him kind of excited about showing her places?]
I haven't been that many exciting places. I mean, the carnival stopped all over, but not big cities or anything like that - our audience was small towns and such. Folks who are a little move wowed by a marvelous display of minor magic and all.
And I think-- [There's a pause here. Some mild hesitation? Regret? Fear? It's hard to pin down, because he isn't sure exactly what it is anyway.] The rest of the Nein have had a lot of time without me. Going places. So we'll both have some catching up to do.
[Yes, that was the point - that really almost anything he could show her would be new to her. The emotion his excitement gets in response is bittersweet; the idea of it makes her happy, too, but there's a lot of sadness mixed in with it, too. She's ready to vaguely talk around this concept, but not quite ready to talk about this like it's actually happening. 'We' is met with a little resistance.]
Well. Excitement is a quality with pros and cons. [. . .] What sort of places would you go?
[Scoff! A scoff! At the idea that excitement has cons. it does not. No cons to be found.]
Well, I mentioned the month off in Nicodranas. Then I suppose I've got to see the rest of the Menagerie Coast, Port Damali and such. And I've never seen Rexxentrum! Capital of the Empire. Supposed to be quite the sight.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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You think you won't be fighting your way to the front of a crowd on that one?
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[Oh, dear. She's. . . less worried than he is, but concerned about his feelings.]
You can tell me not to. Though maybe I oughtn't say so; maybe it would be better not to ask you to decide.
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[He forces himself to calm down a little? Just. Breathing for a second. It's fine.]
Look. It isn't as if I don't get it. Someone will do it if you don't. I can't even say the thought didn't cross my mind. It's basically a free pie on a fucking windowsill.
But what happens when you do it and no one else has made a move at trial, and someone who has decided they love sweet innocent Childe who's done nothing wrong and that whoever did that to him has to pay? And we can't stop them from voting. Nothing we do seems to work. It's one vote and it's over Harrow.
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[But more seriously.]
I think I would be able to stop them from voting, if I played my hand well. There's an Avatar power that lets one see the vote spread. I had thought to invent one that let me see who cast a particular vote - a threatened bit of blackmail on someone who would vote in secret against the group. I think it would be enough, as long as no one's emotions were heightened.
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[He just.
doesn't like all the possibilities here.]
... I want you to have those fucking memories. Shite. Gu Yun could have waited for his shitty medicine. We were helping him. But-- [Just. So much turmoil?]
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[Molly. . . she'll reach out and touch him on his arm.]
I doubt it's more important to me to have my brain functioning on a level it has never particularly functioned at than to have Gu Yun able to see and hear and defend himself.
[She actually feels a lot of doubts and worries in general.]
I don't have to do this.
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I think I can come up with something better, if we have to. Fuck it. Don't let this place drag you into blood and muck.
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Stupid. You're the one who wanted me to have them back. [He's the one who cares about her memories!] I've been in the blood and muck since I was born, but - [sigh] I'd slit Childe's throat yesterday, but the idea of using him as fuel for what I personally want doesn't sit well with me.
The thanergetic principles are sound, but I don't - [There's a moment of a very, very nasty feeling here, something dark and shameful, a kind of crippling mixture of self-loathing and survivor's guilt.] - I dislike that particular form of ritual.
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Just all feels a bit cold, doesn't it? Hot-blooded murder, that's all well and good.
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Generally, I just get angry when people are actively trying to kill me or someone I care about, so I think I'll stick to my complex justifications for taking a life.
Pragmatism always ends up complicated if you ask me.
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[She actually drops the whole judgmental thing because at her core she agrees with this completely.]
So. What should we do, today? Philosophical debates? Create the perfect murder plan for Childe? Talk about our feelings? Have me sit here and share more stories about my past murder plans, which you will rudely laugh at?
[The emotion is fond. They really have come such a long distance since she rambled about making her bones into soup at him because she didn't know what to do with his grief. She still doesn't know, but at least she can admit that she'd like to.]
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Well, okay, imagine this, he's in an empty locked room, no weapons or furniture or clothes in sight, just a puddle of water on the ground.
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[No, she's glad he laughed.]
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There's no evidence on his ass either.
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[She doesn't read murder mysteries, also.]
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Oh fine. It's a stupid riddle. A water genasi did it and hopped out the window you wouldn't have thought about when you imagined the locked room.
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Anyway. Sigh.]
. . . My the Ninth House, when I left it behind, measured a little over a hundred individuals. Ranging from the age of thirty six to over a hundred, but principally the elderly. Pilgrims, nuns, refugees from other Houses, the odd retired Cohort soldier, a handful of living guards, my marshal, and my aunts, and that's about it. [There's a twinge of homesickness when she describes this, though. Not at all about the aunts, a little towards the marshal, but just generally towards the people.] My mother and father died when I was young, so I managed the household most of my life. We lost an entire generation of children, before I was born - everyone under the age of nineteen went at once due to a contamination incident - and most of the generation after left for Cohort service or other reasons. [Both the bit about her parents and the 'contamination incident' stick out as big old lies or at least omissions, but there's not really a feeling of nervousness like she's hiding anything, so much as choosing to brush past it because that's not the point of what she's saying right now.]
When I left, it was to travel to Canaan House, on the First. The population there being three priests, and the heirs and cavaliers primary of seven other Houses besides my own. [A little odd nostalgia for this, too.] And secretly one Lyctor, of course. I spent some months in convalescence on the Erebos, and that is a behemoth class ship, but I never left the hospital ward and hardly had a conversation with anyone who wasn't Ianthe or the Emperor. And then the Mithraeum - myself and Ianthe, the baby Lyctors, plus the three saints who all hated me in various unique ways, and the Emperor himself. [Only bad vibes for the Mithraeum! Except the Emperor and Ianthe, both of whom she is fond of, and who are also both great people probably.]
That is essentially the sum of people I've known and places I've seen before coming here. It is not extensive.
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It just makes him kind of excited about showing her places?]
I haven't been that many exciting places. I mean, the carnival stopped all over, but not big cities or anything like that - our audience was small towns and such. Folks who are a little move wowed by a marvelous display of minor magic and all.
And I think-- [There's a pause here. Some mild hesitation? Regret? Fear? It's hard to pin down, because he isn't sure exactly what it is anyway.] The rest of the Nein have had a lot of time without me. Going places. So we'll both have some catching up to do.
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Well. Excitement is a quality with pros and cons. [. . .] What sort of places would you go?
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Well, I mentioned the month off in Nicodranas. Then I suppose I've got to see the rest of the Menagerie Coast, Port Damali and such. And I've never seen Rexxentrum! Capital of the Empire. Supposed to be quite the sight.
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