[Everything's a bit ... hazy. And it sort of blurs in and out. Less words than sensation for a while, until things crystallize, and even thing, it's only in flashes.
A bit like watching a play, actors on a stage, dark shadows, rather than a memory. Words are hard. Feelings aren't. You can understand the things that are being said, mostly, but ...
In a voice that could be your own, at some other point in time:
“There is no before. Whatever happened before is not me. Some asshole got buried in the dirt. Fuck him. I am enjoying what I’m doing; I want nothing to do with that. Anything that came before, I was happy to just leave it be.”
“Do you really not want to know your past?” ████ is hesitant, hands in front of her, nervous.
“I really don’t. Whoever that was came to that end, ███ █ ████ ███████ ██ ██ ████ █████ ████████ ██ ████ ██ ███████ ████ ████ ████ ██ ██e moment when something creeps through, I don’t like it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I was happy! I liked the circus! The circus was great!”
She tries again: “███ █████ ██ ███████ █████ ███ ████ ██ ███ ███ █ ████ ████ ██████ █████ ████ ██ ███ ████ famous or rich or had friends or family?”
“Okay, here’s the thing that you’re not catching. That wasn’t me. This is mine. I don’t want anything from that other person anymore. ████ ██████ ██ ███████ █████ ██ ████ ███ ██ ███ █ ██████ █████ ██ █████ ███ ██ld, although I don’t entirely remember this part, that I only said the word empty over and over again for the first week.”
“Empty. That sounds terrible. I don’t want to remember anything. I don’t want to anybody else’s baggage in my head and I don’t want anybody else’s problems, thoughts, ideas. I like this person, right now is a good person. Is a fine person. Is a happy person. It’s very freeing. It’s the best thing– it’s the thing that happened to me. ████ ███ ███ ████ █████ ████ ████████ ██ ███ ████ ███ █████ ████ ████████ ██ ███ █ █████ █████ ██ ████████ █ ███ ███████
████ ██ ███ ████ █████ ████ █ ███ ██ ███████████
████ pipes in, loud and brash as always. “You don’t owe your past shit. If I don’t feel anything about my past, but I still remember it and I still don’t give a fuck about where I came from then, why should you care about shit that you don’t even remember?”
You scowl right back at her.
“I spent two years before I met you all cajoling people, occasionally ripping them off, occasionally doing a good turn here or there. Never trust the truth. The truth is vicious. The truth thinks you owe it something. None of that. I like my bullshit. It’s good. It’s happy. It makes other people happy."
████, again: “But it’s not who you are . . . ?”
“It is exactly who I am. I may be a liar but I’m never a betrayer. ███ ██████ ██ ██ █████ ███ █ ███████ ██ █████ █ ████ █████ ████ █████ ███████ ███ ███ ██ ██████ ████ █████ ██████ ████ ████ █ ██████ ████ ████ ██████ ███ ███ ██████ █ ████ ███ ██████ █████ ████ ██████ ████ ██████████ I don’t care where you’ve been. I don’t care what terrible things any of you have done. You’re here now. This is how it works.
I do my best every town I went to and every town I left, no matter how they treated me– and a lot of them treated me with deep disrespect. I left every town better than I found it.”
You can feel ████ glare from across the room. You don’t care. You don’t care at all what she thinks of you.
“Let me make this abundantly clear. My name is █████. That person is dead and not me. It’s just a person who had this body. They abandoned it.
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A bit like watching a play, actors on a stage, dark shadows, rather than a memory. Words are hard. Feelings aren't. You can understand the things that are being said, mostly, but ...
In a voice that could be your own, at some other point in time:
“There is no before. Whatever happened before is not me. Some asshole got buried in the dirt. Fuck him. I am enjoying what I’m doing; I want nothing to do with that. Anything that came before, I was happy to just leave it be.”
“Do you really not want to know your past?” ████ is hesitant, hands in front of her, nervous.
“I really don’t. Whoever that was came to that end, ███ █ ████ ███████ ██ ██ ████ █████ ████████ ██ ████ ██ ███████ ████ ████ ████ ██ ██e moment when something creeps through, I don’t like it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I was happy! I liked the circus! The circus was great!”
She tries again: “███ █████ ██ ███████ █████ ███ ████ ██ ███ ███ █ ████ ████ ██████ █████ ████ ██ ███ ████ famous or rich or had friends or family?”
At this, █████████ █████ ██ ██████████ ███ ███ ████ ████ █████ █████ ████ █████ ██ ███████ ████████████ ███ ███ █████████ ██████
“Okay, here’s the thing that you’re not catching. That wasn’t me. This is mine. I don’t want anything from that other person anymore. ████ ██████ ██ ███████ █████ ██ ████ ███ ██ ███ █ ██████ █████ ██ █████ ███ ██ld, although I don’t entirely remember this part, that I only said the word empty over and over again for the first week.”
█████, asks: “M.T.? Or empty?”
“Empty. That sounds terrible. I don’t want to remember anything. I don’t want to anybody else’s baggage in my head and I don’t want anybody else’s problems, thoughts, ideas. I like this person, right now is a good person. Is a fine person. Is a happy person. It’s very freeing. It’s the best thing– it’s the thing that happened to me. ████ ███ ███ ████ █████ ████ ████████ ██ ███ ████ ███ █████ ████ ████████ ██ ███ █ █████ █████ ██ ████████ █ ███ ███████
████ ██ ███ ████ █████ ████ █ ███ ██ ███████████
████ pipes in, loud and brash as always. “You don’t owe your past shit. If I don’t feel anything about my past, but I still remember it and I still don’t give a fuck about where I came from then, why should you care about shit that you don’t even remember?”
You scowl right back at her.
“I spent two years before I met you all cajoling people, occasionally ripping them off, occasionally doing a good turn here or there. Never trust the truth. The truth is vicious. The truth thinks you owe it something. None of that. I like my bullshit. It’s good. It’s happy. It makes other people happy."
████, again: “But it’s not who you are . . . ?”
“It is exactly who I am. I may be a liar but I’m never a betrayer. ███ ██████ ██ ██ █████ ███ █ ███████ ██ █████ █ ████ █████ ████ █████ ███████ ███ ███ ██ ██████ ████ █████ ██████ ████ ████ █ ██████ ████ ████ ██████ ███ ███ ██████ █ ████ ███ ██████ █████ ████ ██████ ████ ██████████ I don’t care where you’ve been. I don’t care what terrible things any of you have done. You’re here now. This is how it works.
I do my best every town I went to and every town I left, no matter how they treated me– and a lot of them treated me with deep disrespect. I left every town better than I found it.”
You can feel ████ glare from across the room. You don’t care. You don’t care at all what she thinks of you.
“Let me make this abundantly clear. My name is █████. That person is dead and not me. It’s just a person who had this body. They abandoned it.
it’s mine now.”
And the memory fades. ]