[Everything's a bit ... hazy. And it sort of blurs in and out. Less words than sensation for a while, until things crystallize, and even thing, it's only in flashes.
A bit like watching a play, actors on a stage, dark shadows, rather than a memory. Words are hard. Feelings aren't. You can understand the things that are being said, mostly, but ...
In a voice that could be your own, at some other point in time:
โThere is no before. Whatever happened before is not me. Some asshole got buried in the dirt. Fuck him. I am enjoying what Iโm doing; I want nothing to do with that. Anything that came before, I was happy to just leave it be.โ
โDo you really not want to know your past?โ โโโโ is hesitant, hands in front of her, nervous.
โI really donโt. Whoever that was came to that end, โโโ โ โโโโ โโโโโโโ โโ โโ โโโโ โโโโโ โโโโโโโโ โโ โโโโ โโ โโโโโโโ โโโโ โโโโ โโโโ โโ โโe moment when something creeps through, I donโt like it. I donโt want anything to do with it. I was happy! I liked the circus! The circus was great!โ
She tries again: โโโโ โโโโโ โโ โโโโโโโ โโโโโ โโโ โโโโ โโ โโโ โโโ โ โโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโ โโโโโ โโโโ โโ โโโ โโโโ famous or rich or had friends or family?โ
โOkay, hereโs the thing that youโre not catching. That wasnโt me. This is mine. I donโt want anything from that other person anymore. โโโโโจ โโโโโโ โโ โโโโโโโ โโโโโ โโ โโโโ โโโ โโ โโโ โ โโโโโโ โโโโโ โโ โโโโโ โโโ โโld, although I donโt entirely remember this part, that I only said the word empty over and over again for the first week.โ
โEmpty. That sounds terrible. I donโt want to remember anything. I donโt want to anybody elseโs baggage in my head and I donโt want anybody elseโs problems, thoughts, ideas. I like this person, right now is a good person. Is a fine person. Is a happy person. Itโs very freeing. Itโs the best thingโ itโs the thing that happened to me. โโโโ โโโ โโโ โโโโ โโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโโโ โโ โโโ โโโโ โโโ โโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโโโ โโ โโโ โ โโโโโ โโโโโ โโ โโโโโโโโ โ โโโ โโโโโโโ
โโโโ pipes in, loud and brash as always. โYou donโt owe your past shit. If I donโt feel anything about my past, but I still remember it and I still donโt give a fuck about where I came from then, why should you care about shit that you donโt even remember?โ
You scowl right back at her.
โI spent two years before I met you all cajoling people, occasionally ripping them off, occasionally doing a good turn here or there. Never trust the truth. The truth is vicious. The truth thinks you owe it something. None of that. I like my bullshit. Itโs good. Itโs happy. It makes other people happy."
โโโโ, again: โBut itโs not who you are . . . ?โ
โIt is exactly who I am. I may be a liar but Iโm never a betrayer. โโโ โโโโโโ โโ โโ โโโโโ โโโ โ โโโโโโโ โโ โโโโโ โ โโโโ โโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโ โโโโโโโ โโโ โโโ โโ โโโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโ โโโโโโ โโโโ โโโโ โ โโโโโโ โโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโ โโโ โโโ โโโโโโ โ โโโโ โโโ โโโโโโ โโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโโโโโ I donโt care where youโve been. I donโt care what terrible things any of you have done. Youโre here now. This is how it works.
I do my best every town I went to and every town I left, no matter how they treated meโ and a lot of them treated me with deep disrespect. I left every town better than I found it.โ
You can feel โโโโ glare from across the room. You donโt care. You donโt care at all what she thinks of you.
โLet me make this abundantly clear. My name is โโโโโ. That person is dead and not me. Itโs just a person who had this body. They abandoned it.
no subject
A bit like watching a play, actors on a stage, dark shadows, rather than a memory. Words are hard. Feelings aren't. You can understand the things that are being said, mostly, but ...
In a voice that could be your own, at some other point in time:
โThere is no before. Whatever happened before is not me. Some asshole got buried in the dirt. Fuck him. I am enjoying what Iโm doing; I want nothing to do with that. Anything that came before, I was happy to just leave it be.โ
โDo you really not want to know your past?โ โโโโ is hesitant, hands in front of her, nervous.
โI really donโt. Whoever that was came to that end, โโโ โ โโโโ โโโโโโโ โโ โโ โโโโ โโโโโ โโโโโโโโ โโ โโโโ โโ โโโโโโโ โโโโ โโโโ โโโโ โโ โโe moment when something creeps through, I donโt like it. I donโt want anything to do with it. I was happy! I liked the circus! The circus was great!โ
She tries again: โโโโ โโโโโ โโ โโโโโโโ โโโโโ โโโ โโโโ โโ โโโ โโโ โ โโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโ โโโโโ โโโโ โโ โโโ โโโโ famous or rich or had friends or family?โ
At this, โโโโโโโโโ โโโโโ โโ โโโโโโโโโโ โโโ โโโ โโโโ โโโโ โโโโโ โโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโ โโ โโโโโโโ โโโโโโโโโโโโ โโโ โโโ โโโโโโโโโ โโโโโโ
โOkay, hereโs the thing that youโre not catching. That wasnโt me. This is mine. I donโt want anything from that other person anymore. โโโโโจ โโโโโโ โโ โโโโโโโ โโโโโ โโ โโโโ โโโ โโ โโโ โ โโโโโโ โโโโโ โโ โโโโโ โโโ โโld, although I donโt entirely remember this part, that I only said the word empty over and over again for the first week.โ
โโโโโ, asks: โM.T.? Or empty?โ
โEmpty. That sounds terrible. I donโt want to remember anything. I donโt want to anybody elseโs baggage in my head and I donโt want anybody elseโs problems, thoughts, ideas. I like this person, right now is a good person. Is a fine person. Is a happy person. Itโs very freeing. Itโs the best thingโ itโs the thing that happened to me. โโโโ โโโ โโโ โโโโ โโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโโโ โโ โโโ โโโโ โโโ โโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโโโ โโ โโโ โ โโโโโ โโโโโ โโ โโโโโโโโ โ โโโ โโโโโโโ
โโโโ โโ โโโ โโโโ โโโโโ โโโโ โ โโโ โโ โโโโโโโโโโโ
โโโโ pipes in, loud and brash as always. โYou donโt owe your past shit. If I donโt feel anything about my past, but I still remember it and I still donโt give a fuck about where I came from then, why should you care about shit that you donโt even remember?โ
You scowl right back at her.
โI spent two years before I met you all cajoling people, occasionally ripping them off, occasionally doing a good turn here or there. Never trust the truth. The truth is vicious. The truth thinks you owe it something. None of that. I like my bullshit. Itโs good. Itโs happy. It makes other people happy."
โโโโ, again: โBut itโs not who you are . . . ?โ
โIt is exactly who I am. I may be a liar but Iโm never a betrayer. โโโ โโโโโโ โโ โโ โโโโโ โโโ โ โโโโโโโ โโ โโโโโ โ โโโโ โโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโ โโโโโโโ โโโ โโโ โโ โโโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโ โโโโโโ โโโโ โโโโ โ โโโโโโ โโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโ โโโ โโโ โโโโโโ โ โโโโ โโโ โโโโโโ โโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโโโโโ I donโt care where youโve been. I donโt care what terrible things any of you have done. Youโre here now. This is how it works.
I do my best every town I went to and every town I left, no matter how they treated meโ and a lot of them treated me with deep disrespect. I left every town better than I found it.โ
You can feel โโโโ glare from across the room. You donโt care. You donโt care at all what she thinks of you.
โLet me make this abundantly clear. My name is โโโโโ. That person is dead and not me. Itโs just a person who had this body. They abandoned it.
itโs mine now.โ
And the memory fades. ]